Harry Potter and The Block of Fudge
by Pretty Good Satan
Summary: AU. What if Harry was raised not by the Dursleys, but by a psychopathic Fudge? Intended to be humorous.. In a way, at any rate.


Harry Potter and The Block of Fudge

Arthur Weasley was uncertain why Minister Fudge had summoned him to a disused castle. The outer crumbling walls of the fortress were covered in moss and lichen, the moat was more of a swamp that now extended into the courtyard, and the entire area was shrouded in a dreary, will sapping fog. _Perhaps_, he thought, _this is all some sort of subterfuge, to ensure that no prying eyes observe our little meeting. Fudge is said to be a bit paranoid and secretive, after all. _Arthur began to trudge toward the inner gates of the castle.

"Come, Weasley, we have much to discuss!" Arthur gave a little jump at the bellicose voice that resounded from directly behind him.

He nearly spluttered his amazement over the older man's ability to sneak up on him so easily, but thought better of it. Instead, he asked, "And what would that be, Minister?"

"In your study of muggles, have you ever encountered the terms 'gladiators' and 'Coliseum'?"

Arthur mulled over the question, before stating, "I must admit ignorance to 'Coliseum', but isn't a 'gladiator' some type of fighter?"

"Quite right, my lad! A 'type of fighter', indeed!" The Minister's jubilant voice rose to a crescendo, which seemed to be a signal, for several men walked out from one of the less worn down buildings. They walked in columns of three, with the middle group wearing chains and hoods. "My assitants." he said giddily, "We must now adjourn to that tower, the one with the parapet overlooking the courtyard. There's two comfortable seats there, reserved just for us."

Arthur elected abstain from his chair, when they got to the tower, choosing instead to lean over the railing, which gave a much greater view, and watched the men work. The unfettered men quickly closed the iron gates, chaining them physically, as well as enchanting them magically. They quickly sealed away all entries and exits, save for one, which was guarded by two rather stout looking men. With that task completed, they then began to scatter what appeared to be sticks throughout the courtyard. _Surely those can't be wands! There would be too much risk of breaking them, with the rough way they're treating._ However, Weasley's thoughts were redirected as the men turned their attention to the chained group.

The chained group were cajoled into a single corner, with those that were slow to cooperate occasionally stricken with fists or boots. "And in this corner," Fudge squealed, with spittle flecking from his mouth, "seven Death Eaters!"

"Death Eaters?!" Arthur shouted in shock, "Why do you have Death Eaters here? What is the meaning of this?!"

"A little bit of entertainment and a little bit of training! You see, the Coliseum was one of the most famous muggle arenas, where gladiators would fight to the death, all for the entertainment of the squirming throngs! Such a splendid idea just screamed to be revived!"

"What?!" was all Arthur could choke out, before being cut off by Fudge.

"Quiet! They're bringing my precious boy out!" Fudge pointed to the guarded entrance. From it emerged a boy no older than Arthur's son Ron, who had just begun his first year at Hogwarts. He took his position in the corner opposite of the chained men. "And in that corner, Harry Potter!"

"The Boy-Who-Died?" Every Wizard knew about the prophecy concerning Voldemort and Harry Potter. The fate of the two were intertwined; either one would kill the other. Voldemort, being an adult, of course had the clear advantage; literally carving first through Potter's mother Lilly, then bisecting the father James, and finally smashing the poor infant Potter to the ground.

"No! The Boy-Who-Lived!" Fudge screamed triumphantly, causing the chained prisoners to stir just a bit. "Voldemort, the fool, failed to follow through on his murder, leaving a severely injured baby behind. A baby which that fool Dumbledore would have to Lily's bloated, muggle relatives." Fudge was rocking back and forth, his eyes roving, looking all about, with his face contorting in joyous rapture at his own supposed genius. "No, that would never have done! You must always maintain a weapon! What training could have gotten from those damn muggles?! None! Then Dumbledore would have been surprised to see Potter killed by Voldemort! No, no, I, in the interests of the Wizarding World, have had Potter trained by the best, by Alastor Moody, by Rufus Scrimgeour, by Gawain Robards, by, by dozens of others!"

"And now, my friend," Fudge said as he stood and walked to the parapet, "you will see how well I've honed my weapon." Then Fudge put his wand to the side of his throat and spoke, his voice reverberating throughout the courtyard. "Kill Potter and you will live! Fail and you will die!"

"You mad bastard!" Arthur lunged at Fudge, in the hopes of ending the madness. Instead, he was restrained by two guards he appeared magically behind him. He could only watch in horror as the men in the courtyard unchained the Death Eaters before retreating to safety through the only exit, which they sealed behind them.

"Run, Harry!" Arthur shouted as the Death Eaters rushed forward to grab the wands scattered on the ground.

Harry did not. Instead, he raised his wand and said in a clear, smooth voice, "Decapitatio." The curse struck the lead Death Eater, a man with long platinum blonde hair. His head was wrenched from his shoulders with startling force, flying several feet into the air. From the neck, two greats gouts of blood spurted, before the body finally trembled and collapsed.

Harry's next victim was a foolish fat woman who dived for a wand, only to waste precious seconds trying to apparate away. "Incendio." She burst into flames, squealing all the while, her wand falling from nearly molten fingers that could no longer grasp.

By then, four of the more level-headed Death Eaters had encircled Harry, hoping to kill him in their cross fire. One shouted "Crucio!" only to have the spell contemptuously battered away. Harry responded with a cutting curse, disemboweling the man.

"Protego", he said, creating a shield on his wand arm, while he aimed a gun at a Death Eater to his left. He squeezed the trigger twice, putting two rounds in the death eater's head.

"What?" Arthur mumbled.

"A gun! To be precise, a .38 special. Two rounds to the head, no exit wounds. The bullets ricochet around inside the skull, pulping the brain. It's been charmed to remove recoil, to never misfire, and to never need to be reloaded!" Fudge chortled.

Meanwhile, Harry was now running, dodging curses that flew at him. He responded with the Imperius curse, causing one death eater to pirouette on his heels, then began to attack the fellow next to him. With those two preoccupied, Harry turned his attention to the last man that had attempted to surround him. "Diffindo!" The man split in half... from his groin to the top of his head.

One Death Eater, a man with greasy black hair and a rather large noise had stayed out of the fight. "Please, Harry!" His strained voice said, "I don't want to fight you! I'm your godfa-" He was cut off by two rounds to the head.

Harry returned his attention to the man he had under the Imperious curse, as well as the Death Eater with whom he was now grappling. "Incendio." The two men burst into flames.

"Marvelous! Simply wonderful!" Fudge shouted while giving Harry a standing ovation. Harry saluted. "Less than two minutes, my little weapon! Amazing!" Fudge turned his attention to Arthur. "Clap for the boy, Weasley!"

"What?" Arthur couldn't seem to say anything else.

"You know, smack your hands together rapidly. Ah, never mind. Let's instead talk about your membership in the Block of Fudge!"

"What?"

"Hmm... I suppose I could explain. The Block of Fudge is a group dedicated to the destruction of Voldemort through any means necessary! Little Potter here is already a member, as well as my assistants, and of course so am I, as the founding member. So, what do you say, my friend?"

"What?"

"I'll take that for a yes! Otherwise, you'll get to know my good friend Potter for a very brief moment." Fudge smiled proudly at Arthur.


End file.
